The Affair I’ll Remember
This post has been sitting in my draft folder for about two weeks now and I’ve been meaning to finish writing this…but time has escaped me. But I’m realizing more and more each day that this is something I need to write about because it really affects my marriage.
I’ve been having an affair for over a year now. I’ve tried to turn it down a notch several times but I keep failing. I don’t want to stop it all together but I know it is really getting in the way of my marriage. The funny thing is, Frank and I met this person together and Frank loves this person to pieces as well. The big difference is that Frank can separate being a husband from being a father. I on the other hand have a hard time separating being a wife to being a mother. I have been having a hard time turning off the mommy switch when I need to be in wife mode.
So I admit it: I am having an affair with my daughter. My first thought when I wake up is her. My final thought before I go to bed is her. I think about her a lot throughout the day and often find myself thinking about what the future holds for her. These are thoughts that I used to have about Frank. But…well, I don’t as much anymore.
Having a baby has changed our marriage in so many ways. Mary Rene adds this crazy dynamic to our relationship that sometimes it is hard to understand. Mary Rene is a product of the love we share together but at the same time, she is the product of the hard spots in our marriage as well.
I don’t want to give the wrong impression so I must state that our marriage is fine. When I said “hard spots” above I don’t want people to think we are having problems in our marriage. It is just that our marriage is different on so many levels that it isn’t the same as it used to be.
I never realized or even imagined, how much a child can change a marriage. Now I understand why people say marriage takes a lot of work. Add a baby to the mix and you have to start working on your marriage to keep it fresh.
When Mary Rene goes to bed and we are finally alone it is hard to turn off my mommy switch and be 100% focused on Frank. I know it is hard for him as well but it is a million times harder for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Frank and I am still madly in love with him. But it is much harder now to focus on him.
The prolactin hormone raging through my body doesn’t help the situation. I thought that hormone would eventually subside but well, it hasn’t. I’m not blaming lactation but it really does add a twist to your marriage. A twist that your spouse just doesn’t understand.
I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to give Frank my undivided attention when we are alone. Last night I was asking a lot of questions about what teams are in the running for the World Series. Right away he said, “why do you care all of a sudden?” He didn’t say it to be rude but honestly, why all of a sudden did I care about his interest? The last year I have showed no interest in his happiness. I haven’t watched baseball games with him. I haven’t enjoyed listening to his new cd. I have been disengaged because my mind is engaged elsewhere.
I feel like I am stuck in the Bermuda Triangle. Is it too much to ask to push my husband back to the top of my todome pole? We did talk about practicing SPICE again in our marriage. But that’s all we did was talk about it-we haven’t started it yet. I really think if we start SPICE again then we can get our marriage back to where it used to be. So maybe that should be my goal for this week. Be spicy again.
I know I am not alone and I’ve heard from several of my friends that they are having the same issue with their marriage. The love is still there but it is completely different.
Frank loves Mary Rene to pieces and he looks forward to coming home and seeing her. But I can tell that he comes home and is happy to see me as well. I can hear it in his voice that he missed me and really wants to connect with me. He wants to connect with his wife; not his daughter’s mother. When I look in his eyes, I can see that he is still madly in love with me. I just hope that when he looks at me he sees the same reflection.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
It is so hard to transition back and forth and I think it’s especially hard the first few years. It will get easier to do as time goes on and your on the right track. Thanks for sharing and being so open. Have a great night!
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I know the feelings Trena. The thing is, we hardly ever get alone time. Most of the time Elaine and I stay up later than Eddie. We actually have been talking about spicing things up too. Thanks for sharing!
November 20th, 2009 at 7:05 am
[...] drinking a glass of wine, he is making his spice jar! Awhile ago I talked about bringing spice back into our marriage. When you practice Natural Family Planning and are trying to avoid pregnancy, [...]