The Third Prayer

Thursday, December 17th:

I had been extremely tired all week and really wanted to go home and take a nap.  My co-worker, Laurie, asked if I wanted to go on a walk and I quickly said yes because I was close to crashing at my desk.  We were only walking for about two minutes when I blurted out, “I think I’m pregnant.”  She got very excited and hugged me.  I told her how I had been out of the ordinary tired all week and I remember feeling like this the week I found out I was pregnant with Mary Rene.  I went on to explain that I should be starting my period that weekend but I really didn’t know if that was an accurate guess since this would be my first normal cycle since getting it back.  Yes, I said it.  It was my first real menstrual cycle since….2005.  I just couldn’t believe that I got pregnant my first try with Mary Rene and here I was again, my first real, true cycle since then and I’m pregnant again.  Am I that lucky?

At that time I hadn’t even mentioned to Frank that I might be pregnant because I didn’t want to freak him out.  We weren’t necessarily planning on trying but really, when you do it, you do it and you know there is a chance.  But honestly we didn’t really put it into consideration since I hadn’t had a regular cycle since 2005.  So the conversation never came up.  In addition to freaking him out, I was afraid to admit it out loud that I might be pregnant, and then find out I wasn’t.  I would have been devastated because honestly, I had already started to fall in love with the thought of being pregnant again.

So I asked her not to say anything until I took the pregnancy test that weekend.

Friday, December 18th:

I was emailing back and forth with my friend Katie and told her that I might be pregnant.  She convinced me to go buy a pregnancy test that day at the Dollar Store.  But they didn’t have any.  And neither did Dollar General.  So I took it as a sign that I should wait one more day.

Saturday, December 19th:

I still had no signs of starting my period and at that point, I knew I was pregnant.  I could just feel it.  But I wanted to take a test to make sure.  I still haven’t told Frank and I decided I would take the test and then tell him.  The only problem was that he was going to a concert that night and would be out with his friends.  I didn’t want to take the test before the concert and not be able to celebrate with him.  And I didn’t want him to worry about it the whole night because I knew he was looking forward to going to the concert.  So that afternoon while Frank stayed home with Mary Rene, I ran to the grocery store to pick up some odds and ends, including a pregnancy test.  Later that night when he left, I ran to the bathroom and took the test.

And there it was, clear as day, a positive pregnancy test.  I really wanted to share the news with Frank but knew it wasn’t the right time.  So instead I told Mary Rene that she was going to be a big sister and she swore to keep the secret.  We immediately left the house and ran to Babies R Us to buy a “Big Sister” shirt.  They didn’t have any.  So once she went to bed, I started to sew my own.  Well, I didn’t like it so instead I took a silver marker and wrote “Big Sister” on one of her pink shirts.   

Sunday, December 20th:

I woke up before Frank and went to the Christmas tree to pull off a link from our Advent prayer chain.  I pulled off “pregnant women” which meant we were to spend the day praying for pregnant women.  My heart just stopped and knew that it was God’s will.  Interesting enough, I blogged about pulling this particular link off the chain.  Frank was still in bed when I went to Mass and Mary Rene and I continued to keep our secret.

By the time we came home from Mass, Frank was up and getting ready to walk out the door for church.  Directly after Mass he was going to his hockey game.  So again, I kept the secret.

Finally, finally, hours later when he returned and it was just the three of us, finally, I was able to tell him the news.  He talked about his game, blah, blah, blah and when he was done…

I handed him the link from the tree.

My hand was shaking when I said, “Today we are praying for pregnant women.”

He just stares back and me and doesn’t know where I am going with this.

“We have a very special pregnant woman to pray for today.”

I started to cry.

And he knew.

And he was happy, so extremely happy.  He began to cry and we hugged.  And all my concerns were washed away.

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Today is my dad’s last day of work at Chrysler.  With the failing economy, the St. Louis plant was closed a few months ago (maybe close to six months ago?)  He was lucky enough to hold on to his job a few months longer since he worked in the water treatment plant for Chrysler.  But starting today he starts his forced retirement.  Remember how he was excited to start watching Mary Rene and he wanted to take her up and down the street in a wagon? My mom, Frank and myself went in together and got him a wagon as a retirement gift.

The moment I took it out of the box to assemble, nosey Mary Rene came over to help.

She found the wheels and decided to put them in the wagon.

Once it was finally assembled, she jumped right in and has enjoyed being pushed around the front room throughout the day.

But what fun is a wagon without your friends, Baby Jesus

and Violet.

Isn’t that wagon great?  It has two seats with seat belts.  Plenty of room for Sweet Pea someday!

Seriously, everyday she has been playing in the wagon, see the new outfit-different day.

She likes to take her blanket and pillow inside so she can lay down for a cat nap.

Mary Rene and my dad are going to have so much fun with that wagon.

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Month one down with the new budget and I am proud to say that I stayed on budget for groceries!  I really did not think it was possible to do it but I did with $4 remaining.  The key was staying away from Target.  Target has such good deals but whoever goes there and buys only want they need?  I only allowed myself to go in there once because with a coupon and the sale, I got regularly $4.99 soda for $2.  Unfortunately we didn’t stay on budget with our utilities (colder weather spiked our gas bill,) medical bills (yeah, I think I have talked about this enough,) dentist (we both went the same month,) and charity (Haiti pushed us over, but completely worth it!)  So on to next month!

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Speaking of budgets, we met with a new financial advisor on Tuesday night.  He is the son of a friend from church.  If anyone in the St. Louis area is looking for a financial advisor call Michael Disalvo at 314-932-4300.  Frank and I feel much better about our pending deductible because now we see we have other resources for money, if needed.  We are still praying that we won’t need it but it is nice to have a safety net.

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I finished “What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Children’s Vaccinations” by Stephanie Cave, M.D., F.A.A.F.P.  I will be writing a cliff note’s version of the book on a post next week.  When I say cliff note’s version, it will be long.  It is a very informative book, eye opening that is for sure.  I highly recommend expecting mothers to read this book.  The only issue with the book is that is was last updated in 2000.  Ten years have gone by and there have been many changes to vaccines.  One change includes the rotavirus.  It is back in the line of shots and it wasn’t at the time of publication.  When I finished the book I was absolutely disgusted to look back at Mary Rene’s vaccination chart and see what was given to her.  I am so blessed that the only reaction she has had were two minor ear infections.  I say, “has had” because I learned from the book that side effects can appear years later, in the form of learning disabilities.  I am praying that other side effects don’t come up later though.  So many people talk about the autism debate with vaccinations but it is more than just autism.  Shooting your baby’s, already weak, immune system, with so many different viruses at the same time can cause strokes, seizures, learning disabilities and even death.  Okay, I’ll stop now.  I will be writing more about this next week.  The post is taking me awhile to construct properly but look for it next week.

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I have two new projects at work and have been, and will be, working my little tail off.  Working part-time can be hard when most of your hours are done at home.  Which means, you stay up late.  Lack of sleep means…lack of sleep.

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Two days after they decided to stop searching for survivors, more survivors are still being found.  I get goose bumps every time I hear another story about someone surviving.  The latest, a 16 year old girl was rescued 15 days after the earthquake.  Amazing.  I told Frank that I wanted to fly down there and nurse those poor babies.  Well, I also told him if I wasn’t pregnant then I would be convincing him to foster a child.  He really didn’t respond to that statement.

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I’ve been doing these Quick Takes for over a year now, hence the #54.  Has a year really gone by that fast?

It was Wednesday, December 1st and Frank asked if he could paint my toe nails.  You wonder, “Why in the world would he ask such a question?”   Really, what man paints his wife’s toe nails?  None that I know of it.  But Frank pulled, “Paint My Toe Nails” from my SPICE jar and so there we were.  He had never painted or even attempted to paint my fingers or toes before and warned me that it would be an awful job. 

I didn’t care how awful it would look because it honestly couldn’t look any worse then they already did.  The last time I got a real pedicure was in July and since then I have been painting my own toenails.  I painted my toe nails red the week of my sister’s wedding, which was October 10th, and that was the last time they had been touched.  So you can only imagine how discolored and un-manicured they looked.  I was ready for a mini pedicure.  Frank got started and we giggled nearly the whole time.  It was so funny to feel his soft hands against my toes.  But even more funny to feel the brush hit my skin over and over again.  So he might have painted as much of my skin as he did the nail, but it washed off easily. 

Overall, he did a pretty darn good job.  Which may have led to me saying, “spicy” in my sassy little romantic voice.  He laughed because in his eyes, painting my toenails was the least spicy thing in the world.  But to me…spicy.  We flirted and got all cozy with each other and began to kiss.

But Frank immediately stopped and asked, “Are you fertile?”

Oh, a question I haven’t heard in nearly two years.  It didn’t matter when I was pregnant with Mary Rene.  And it didn’t matter for the first 13 months of her life.  But now, the question had resurfaced.  That little question took me back to the beginning of our marriage when we diligently charted each day.  I would tell Frank what my results were and he would fill out the chart.  That way, he knew if I was or wasn’t fertile.  There was no question to ask. 

But now, the question was being asked.  Mainly, because he didn’t know.  Well, I didn’t know either.  I just regained fertility the week of my sister’s wedding.  The month of October was a complete wipe out because my cycle was so inconsistent that I didn’t even try to chart.  I figured it might take a few cycles to get my body back in sync after having a child.  So far, November seemed to be a normal month but I was expecting it to be inconsistent again so I didn’t bother charting.

Which left me puzzled when he asked the question.  I really didn’t know.  I should know but I didn’t.  I told him when I started my period and we both counted out the days in my head.  Before Mary Rene, I had a 31 day cycle and was consistent month after month when I was fertile.  If my body was going to go back to the way it was, we figured I could be fertile starting that day or the next day.

But we really didn’t know.  So there was a chance.

Like any good wife, I let him make the decision. 

Frank said, “Well at this rate we could have 10 kids.”

I again said, “Well, then you make the decision.”

Silence.

Frank, “Screw it.”  Yes he said, screw it.

And so, Sweet Pea was conceived.

And for Frank’s benefit, I calculated it out and let him know that at this rate we could have seven kids.  Not 10.

This is Part III in the series on Natural Family Planning.  You can see Part II by clicking here.

The Pill

The wonderful birth control pill.  The pill that was invented to make so many women feel liberated.  So many women have the freedom to do what they want.  The pill to fix physical problems.  The magic pill.  Oh little did we know.

Two weeks ago I mentioned how: Days before ovulation occurs, the woman’s body produces mucus.  The basic purpose of mucus is to line the walls of the uterus so a fertilize egg can attach and grow into a baby!  Isn’t that incredible??? Talk about God designing the woman’s body for the purpose of carrying a child. 

 Regardless of your faith, if you are pro-life and using the pill, you should know how the pill really works.  When we learned NFP years ago, I mentioned  to the nurse how I used to take the pill. (I will focus on my pill use in another week’s post.)  At that point she described to me how it worked.  Basically, the hormones in the pill dries a woman out so she doesn’t produce mucus.  Mucus is needed so an embryo can attach to the uterus wall and grow into a baby.  When there is no mucus, where does the baby go?  You guessed it, see you later, bye-bye.  Basically, when you are on the pill, you can still ovulate and produce an egg.  That egg can still be fertilized by sperm.  That egg and sperm, creating a baby, can still move down your fallopian tubes and descent to your uterus.  Unfortunately that baby has no where to grow so it just dispenses from your body.  So really, the pill allows you to get pregnant.  It just keeps you from staying pregnant.  And in the United States, that is legal.

If you didn’t read that last paragraph, you can just watch this video instead.  It states the fact better than I can ever articulate.  I found this great video on the Natural Family Planning blog.  If you are interested in learning more about NFP from people who are more experienced than I’ll ever be, check out their blog.

There are many women that are told by their physicians that the pill will help fix their female problems.  But really, the pill just acts like a band-aid.  The pill doesn’t fix any female problems at all.  It just stops up your system.  And when you later decide to get off the pill, you still have the problem to fix.  Most times, a combination of diet and exercise can help ease the problem.  Which is so much cheaper, and safer, then the pill.

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My sister got a new puppy, she had to put her dog to sleep a few weeks ago, and he is absolutely adorable.  I wish I could post a picture because you would be in love with him.

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This morning, Mary Rene and I are going to the Little Gym for an intro class.  I saw a commercial on Channel 9 and thought it looked like fun.  The class takes place every Friday morning and next semester starts at the end of January.  Depending on how we like the free class, we might sign up.

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My pick for Frank’s SPICE jar this week was: pizza picnic dinner listening to Pink Floyd.  So last night, I lit every candle I could find, played Pink Floyd at a level that Frank enjoys and I was wearing a Pink Floyd shirt I just bought at the store.  Oh, and I made buffalo chicken dip from scratch (yum) and guacamole dip for appetizers.  Double yum.

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Mary Rene had her 15 month check-up on Wednesday and here are her stats:

Height: 30″ (25-50%)

Weight: 22.8 lbs. (25-50%)

So she is symmetrical for weight and height.  She had to get her second flot shot, ugh, and two other shots, double ugh, which annoyed me.  (Next baby, I am spreading out the shots.) Luckily they offered her a popsicle afterwards and she was very, very, happy.  Her first popsicle and I’m sure it won’t be her last.

The appointment went well except the doctor thinks Mary Rene’s left pupil is a bit larger than her right.  This is something important to know if she is ever in an accident.  She suggested that we see a pediatric eye doctor to confirm.  But I just took her to the eye doctor back in September.  I hate to take her again because wouldn’t her pupil have been a different size then as well?

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Tomorrow I am going to purchase a toddler bed that I saw on craigslist for Mary Rene.  I’ll post a picture in my Tuesday post.  Our plan is starting Sunday evening, no matter what, I will not allow Mary Rene to nurse in the middle of the night.  She is starting to wake up a few times again, regardless of my caffeine intake, and she is relying on nursing to put her back to sleep.  (She is teething so I know she is in pain but baby girl really needs to learn to put herself back to sleep.)  I am exhausted, exhausted, I tell you and just need to put an end to it.  We plan on sticking to our guns and no matter how many nights it takes, she will stop nursing in the middle of the night.  Next step, will be getting her to sleep through the night.  Final step, getting her to go to bed without rocking.  One of my clients ended up taking his 18 month old son to a sleep specialist because they were having the same issues.  The sleep specialist has a three month waiting list so my client gave me copies of all the pamphlets to help us out.  Frank and I have devicted our own little plan.  Please say prayers it works.  Momma is tired.

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Tomorrow, my mom, maybe my little sister Jasmine, Mary Rene and I are going to the St. Louis Zoo for the Wild Lights display.  I became a Zoo Friend and will be able to get a discount and free parking.  I hope it is warm enough so Mary Rene will only need to wear her snowsuit!

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When Mary Rene was helping me go through old Christmas cards last week, she found a picture of her friend, Ella.  We have the picture of Ella hanging on the refrigerator.

When I tell Mary Rene to give Ella a kiss…

We can be sitting in the front room and I’ll ask her, “where is Ella?”  And she will walk in the kitchen and get her, bring her to me, and then kiss her.  It is the cutest little thing.

This is Part II in the series on Natural Family Planning.  You can see Part I by clicking here.

 How It Works

(I know each woman is different and has different situations.  What I am writing below is based on an average, normal, fertile woman.)

I can honestly say that I never realized how amazing the human body was until I learned the techniques of NFP.  WOW!  Our body is so incredible! There it is, more proof that God exist!  I’ll come back to this in a minute.

To achieve pregnancy, a woman and man must come together during a woman’s fertile time.  As we all know, men are fertile everyday of the year!  But women, we have a much smaller window.  Most women, produce one egg a month.  The day your egg arrives, ovulation, it appears and then it works its way down the fallopian tube, down to your uterus and see ya later, bye bye.  But here is something a lot of people don’t know-there is more than one day that a woman can get pregnant during her cycle.  Many people are under the assumption that since a woman produces one egg a month, they only have one day to achieve pregnancy.  That is not the case at all.  And now I will explain.

Days before ovulation occurs, the woman’s body produces mucus.  The basic purpose of mucus is to line the walls of the uterus so a fertilized egg can attach and grow into a baby!  (I will talk about this again when I discuss the pill next week.)  Isn’t that incredible??? Talk about God designing the woman’s body for the purpose of carrying a child. 

Frank and I follow the Creighton Model of NFP.  This is nothing like the old rhythm method you have heard about.  This is actually backed with medical knowledge and when used correctly, it is 98-99% effective.  What I do is observe the mucus my body produces everyday of the month.  After my period, I am dry.  I have a few dry days and then I start to produce mucus.  The mucus last approximately five to seven days, depending on the month, and then I go back to dry days.  Next, I start the cycle all over again with my period.  During the mucus days, I know I am fertile.  If we are trying to achieve pregnancy, we unite during those days!  If we are trying to avoid pregnancy, Frank temporarily moves in his parent’s house and I practice SPICE. 

The day you ovulate, you produce the best mucus possible.  Frank and I call it the Cadillac of Mucus.  That is when your mucus is a certain color, length and thickness.  Since sperm can live for three to five days, the few days of mucus leading up to the “Cadillac” day are also considered fertile days.  The three days after ovulation also count as fertile days because that is about the time it takes your egg to make its full journey to your uterus.  Let’s say you notice that you ovulate on a Thursday, your egg can still be in your body on Saturday, working its way down the canal, so you can still get pregnant.

Want more proof that God designed your body to carry a baby at the right time in your life?  When you are under a really stressful situation in your life, you can produce mucus twice that month.  If you avoid pregnancy during the first set of mucus days but ignore the second set of days, maybe thinking it is just left over sperm, there is a good chance you can get pregnant.  When your body is stressed, it can trick you into thinking you are fertile even though you aren’t.  This is because your body is under stress, and knows that you are too stressed to have a baby at this time, so it tricks you.  Pretty neat huh?  That is why when you are trying to concieve, people tell you not to be stressed!  Stress can really mess up your natural cycle and take awhile to get back to normal.

Understanding your mucus is what it takes to practice the Creighton Model of NFP.  Frank and I religiously charted my mucus cycle our first year of marriage.  When we decided to start a family, we used all our fertile days that month and…Mary Rene was created.  I will be honest, I stopped charting once I was pregnant and haven’t gone back to charting.  I know I really need to since I am fertile again (it has been two months now) but I keep forgetting.  But next month, I will start again!

I’ve been working on a series of post to discuss Natural Family Planning and why we made the decision to use this method of birth control.  Please feel free to ask questions, leave comments and I will address them in a further post.  This will be Part I in the series on NFP.

Why?

When we were engaged to be married, we knew we wanted to practice NFP.  We didn’t know how it worked or anything about it at the time but we knew it was the right thing to do.  Mainly because we understood the church teachings and why they opposed the use of birth control.  There are many Catholics who do whatever the church says and others who don’t at all.  I tend to think I belong in a third category: listen to what the church says, do some research to understand why they say it, and finally, do it because I understand.  That is how NFP came to be in our marriage.  And this is what we found out:

God clearly points out in the Bible that he wants us to be fruitful and multiple (Genesis 1:28.)  Here is just one beautiful example, Psalm 127:3- Children too are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward.  (How true it is!)

There are tons and tons of references to how He loves children and as man and wife, it is our gift to make them.

The church opposes the use of artificial birth control because it prohibits the creation of a baby.  (Although, next week I will discuss how this isn’t the case at all when it comes to the pill.)  The main reason a man and wife becomes one is to create a family!  The church believes that by barricading your fertility you are going against God’s plan for you.  When you use condoms, the sponge, the pill, etc., you are doing so because you are not ready to be a parent.  You are using unnatural means to get to your end. 

 At the same time, you are telling God, “Hey it is my body and I can do what I want with it.”  And really that’s not true.  God gave you everything you have, including your gift of fertility.  That right there was proof enough for me. 

Some skeptics would say that NFP is no different then the use of artificial birth control because you are still avoiding pregnancy.  God is wise and He doesn’t expect for married couples to have baby after baby after baby.  Some couples are meant to have one, some are meant to have 10, and some, are meant to have none.  God knows that there are times when a pregnancy should be avoided.  For instance, you are not financially ready.  God knows that financial stresses will only hinder a child’s growth so He understands.  God understands if you have other stresses in your life and are not ready to accept another baby at that time.  God understand situations.  But we don’t believe that He understands when you make the decision to say no by taking control of your own body.

But why not use birth control instead of “risking” a pregnancy during a stressful situation?  Well, God makes it clear in the Bible what happens if you use birth control.  In Genesis, Chapter 38, Onan didn’t want to have children with his wife so he would “waste his seed on the ground.”  What did God do?  He killed him (Ch. 38:10.)

And I will leave it at that.  Next week I will discuss How NFP Works and the method we use.

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The day Mary Rene decided to start nursing again, she didn’t stop.  And honestly she hasn’t stopped since.  Before the strike she would occasional wake up in the middle of the night for a nursing session.  Most nights she would be satisfied with just cuddling.  But since the strike, she has been nursing two, three, sometimes four times during the night.  Needless to say, I am tired.  Poor baby girl is in so much pain and just needs to be comforted…it would just be nice if the comforting was wanted during waking hours.  Wednesday night was a rough night and I ended up nursing her four times and on two or three occasions that didn’t even help her sleep.  I slept about five hours off and on and was completely exhausted when I woke up.  I started to complain but then Frank put it into perspective when he said, “Mary Rene had a rough night last night.”  Yeah she sure did.  So I instantly realized that my lack of sleep was due to my poor baby girl’s discomfort.  She was worse off then me.  And you know it is worth it when she finally does sleep and looks like this

so relaxed, so at peace, so pain-free.  I guess I can always sleep another day.

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Monday afternoon, my friend Nicole C and I went to a volunteer orientation for Crisis Nursery.  I don’t know where I got the idea to volunteer here but it works out great because Nicole C wanted to volunteer there as well.  As soon as I get my physical and TB test then I can start volunteering.  I plan on volunteering one of the days I work so then I am not taking away too much time from my family.  It will be nice to give back to the community and well…hang out with kids all day!

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Can you guess what Frank is doing?

Besides drinking a glass of wine, he is making his spice jar!  Awhile ago I talked about bringing spice back into our marriage.  When you practice Natural Family Planning and are trying to avoid pregnancy, you practice SPICE during your fertile days.  SPICE means:

Spiritually, Physically, Intellectually, Creatively & Communicatively and Emotionally.

It is a way of connecting with your spouse on a non-sexual level.  Well, we just need spice in general because we are so busy being parents that we haven’t made much time to be spouses.  So Wednesday night during our stay-in date we wrote down a list of “spicy” things we could do for each other.  Then we cut each one out and put them in our jars.  Next we decorated the outside of our jar.

Our plan is every Sunday we will pull out a spicey suggestion and we have the entire week to give the spice to our spouse.  I was so excited that I quickly started writing stuff down.  My list has simple things on it like (Frank don’t read this part): play with my hair, call me cute pet names like honey, sugar pie, love, ask me to dance, etc. etc.  I ended up adding about 35 spices to my jar.  Frank…he had seven.  I’m sure his seven are extravagant items though.  When he saw me writing away he said, “I guess this is why women are from Venus and men are from Mars.”

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Tomorrow we are going to my sister’s house to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom’s family.  Can you believe it is Thanksgiving already?  The holiday just snuck up on me.

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These are the cabinets in our kitchen.  When I am cooking, Mary Rene likes to make a mess and take everything out.  We have little locks to go on the cabinets but we haven’t installed them yet.  The furthest cabinet on the right houses all our ziploc bags and…there was a full bottle of vodka in there. Yikes.  I didn’t realize that until Mary Rene handed it to me the other day.  I took the vodka and drank it hid it.  The cabinet on the far left houses all our tupperware and let me tell you, Mary Rene has fun playing with the tupperware.  It really isn’t that big of an issue until Frank has to find matching tupperware to put our leftovers in.  Then it becomes a problem.  On Wednesday during Mary Rene’s nap, I moved the tupperware to a drawer above the sink and now Mary Rene has her own special drawer.

 After her nap we went in the kitchen so I could cook and she walked to “her drawer” right away.  I pretended like nothing was going on but I looked down and oh my word, she was over the moon with happiness.  She looked up at me with these wide eyes and the expression on her face read, “is this for me?”  She looked close to tears in happiness.  She sat in her drawer and played with all her new kitchen toys and was having so much fun.  Sure most of the kitchen toys ended up on the kitchen floor but it was much easier to throw them back in then put them in neat stacks like tupperware.

At least someone is getting use out of those kitchen tools.

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Have I mentioned that my dad bought a foreclosure house that is five houses down from his?  If I haven’t, I just wanted to say, a few months ago my dad bought a foreclosure house that is five houses down from him.  There I said it.  When he was cleaning out the house he found this little red table that was the perfect size for Mary Rene.   Most of the paint was chipped off so he took it to work, removed all the paint, sanded it down until it was nice and smooth.  I planned on painting it pink but never got around to it.  I asked Frank’s talented sister to paint it and she went above and beyond and also wrote Mary Rene’s name on it.

Cute.  My dad ended up finding the chair that went with the table but we put that in her playhouse in the backyard.

While Elizabeth was painting the table, I also asked her to finish my paint job in Mary Rene’s room.  Back in September I wrote, “Guess How Much I Love You” on the wall to pay the utmost respect to the book entitled, “Guess How Much I Love You.”  My plan was to paint hearts around what I wrote but well, I never got around to it.  So Elizabeth came over and finished my paint job and

wala.

You’ll never be able to guess how much I love my baby girl either.

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I call this: You Know You Are a Blog Dork When…I have realized that I talk about a lot of things but I never had the proper categories on my post.  For instance, I would write a post about how Mary Rene was nursing but I would only put the post under Mary Rene and not nursing.  Well that is useless.  So I was really bored at work (typing the word work is making me add this post to my work category) and I started adding categories and trying to fix the missing pieces.  Well, that is just a darn headache because this blog is nearly two years old.  So even though, for instance, I have talked about Natural Family Planning on several occasions, I only have it listed twice because I never properly tagged it.  So now I classify myself as a blogging dork because I want to go back and reread every post and make sure I have as many categories tagged as possible.  Oh I need a life.

This post has been sitting in my draft folder for about two weeks now and I’ve been meaning to finish writing this…but time has escaped me.  But I’m realizing more and more each day that this is something I need to write about because it really affects my marriage. 

I’ve been having an affair for over a year now.  I’ve tried to turn it down a notch several times but I keep failing.  I don’t want to stop it all together but I know it is really getting in the way of my marriage.  The funny thing is, Frank and I met this person together and Frank loves this person to pieces as well.  The big difference is that Frank can separate being a husband from being a father.  I on the other hand have a hard time separating being a wife to being a mother.  I have been having a hard time turning off the mommy switch when I need to be in wife mode.

So I admit it: I am having an affair with my daughter.  My first thought when I wake up is her.  My final thought before I go to bed is her.  I think about her a lot throughout the day and often find myself thinking about what the future holds for her.  These are thoughts that I used to have about Frank.  But…well, I don’t as much anymore.

Having a baby has changed our marriage in so many ways.  Mary Rene adds this crazy dynamic to our relationship that sometimes it is hard to understand.  Mary Rene is a product of the love we share together but at the same time, she is the product of the hard spots in our marriage as well.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression so I must state that our marriage is fine.  When I said “hard spots” above I don’t want people to think we are having problems in our marriage.  It is just that our marriage is different on so many levels that it isn’t the same as it used to be.

I never realized or even imagined, how much a child can change a marriage.  Now I understand why people say marriage takes a lot of work.  Add a baby to the mix and you have to start working on your marriage to keep it fresh. 

When Mary Rene goes to bed and we are finally alone it is hard to turn off my mommy switch and be 100% focused on Frank.  I know it is hard for him as well but it is a million times harder for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Frank and I am still madly in love with him.  But it is much harder now to focus on him. 

The prolactin hormone raging through my body doesn’t help the situation.  I thought that hormone would eventually subside but well, it hasn’t.  I’m not blaming lactation but it really does add a twist to your marriage.  A twist that your spouse just doesn’t understand. 

I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to give Frank my undivided attention when we are alone.  Last night I was asking a lot of questions about what teams are in the running for the World Series.  Right away he said, “why do you care all of a sudden?”  He didn’t say it to be rude but honestly, why all of a sudden did I care about his interest?  The last year I have showed no interest in his happiness.  I haven’t watched baseball games with him.  I haven’t enjoyed listening to his new cd.  I have been disengaged because my mind is engaged elsewhere.

I feel like I am stuck in the Bermuda Triangle.  Is it too much to ask to push my husband back to the top of my todome pole?  We did talk about practicing SPICE again in our marriage.  But that’s all we did was talk about it-we haven’t started it yet.  I really think if we start SPICE again then we can get our marriage back to where it used to be.  So maybe that should be my goal for this week.  Be spicy again.

I know I am not alone and I’ve heard from several of my friends that they are having the same issue with their marriage.  The love is still there but it is completely different. 

Frank loves Mary Rene to pieces and he looks forward to coming home and seeing her.  But I can tell that he comes home and is happy to see me as well.  I can hear it in his voice that he missed me and really wants to connect with me.  He wants to connect with his wife; not his daughter’s mother.  When I look in his eyes, I can see that he is still madly in love with me.  I just hope that when he looks at me he sees the same reflection.