The Third Prayer

Pregnancy is starting to depress me.  I hate saying that; I hate admitting that; but I’m starting to feel down in the dumps with it all.  I never reached this point with my pregnancy with Mary Rene.  Towards the end of the pregnancy, I wanted it to end so I could meet the tiny baby I had been dreaming about all those months.  But this time, I just want it to be over and done with so I can not be pregnant anymore.  I’m starting to lose that excitement of meeting my little one.  Don’t get me wrong, I am excited and looking forward to becoming a mother again but it is really hard to bring that to focus right now.  And that just makes me feel like the world’s worst mother which depresses me even more.

Everything gets on my nerves.  Everything.  Just don’t even talk to me, okay?  I know it is the hormones but gosh I am on edge.  I just want a break from it all.

I don’t want to ever be pregnant in the summer again.  I can’t remember the last time it has been less than 90 degrees in St. Louis.  And if you leave a comment and tell me it has, well, you are wrong.  Because it feels like 110 outside when you are this pregnant.  When the weatherman says “high of 92 tomorrow” he really means “if you are pregnant, expect it to feel like 115-have fun!”

Mary Rene and I went grocery shopping at 8:45 a.m. yesterday just so we could beat the heat.  Did we?  Not really.  That whole adventure just made me even more irritable because on top of it being hot, Mary Rene refused to get in the cart so I spent most of the shopping trip carrying her, while pushing a cart and carrying a watermelon in my belly.  Try doing that for 25 minutes.  Luckily I was able to con her into “helping mommy push the cart” for half of the trip so I got a little break.  But that’s not the way you want to start your day.  I’m trying my best to be patient with her because I know she has no way of comprehending what is going on, but some days are really tough.

If the heat wasn’t bad enough, I still have this stupid cough.  I have had the cough for a good month now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  I am on day eight of a 10 day “treatment” and I am showing no signs of improvement.  What’s the big deal about a cough?  Coughing fits can drain you.  Yet at the same time, you can’t sleep.  If the baby isn’t practicing kickboxing moves, if you aren’t getting up to pee, then you are coughing.  Sometimes I cough so hard that I come close to vomiting.  And an unexpected cough while pregnant, not cool, not cool at all.  I got to the point one day that I decided to just walk around the house naked because I was changing my darn underwear so many times.  A diaper would have been helpful because the pads just aren’t cutting it anymore. 

Funny?  Not really.  The coughing fits were so bad that they woke Mary Rene up at 6:30 a.m. yesterday.  The coughing fits were so bad that I had to cry myself to sleep last night.  If I’m not better in two days (slim chance) then my only option is to tough it out until the baby is born.  Once she is born, I can get an x-ray to see what is going on in there.  So right now, it looks like I have another month of this annoying cough.  Another reason I am not enjoying this pregnancy.

I had a pre-natal appointment on Monday and I mentioned to my doctor that I think Sweet Pea has dropped because there is a lot of pressure on my bladder.  More pressure on the bladder means more bathroom breaks, sometimes three in the same hour.  More pressure on the bladder on top of a cough means more laundry.  My water bill is seriously going to be so high from the constant flushing.  I know my grocery bill has gotten higher with all the toilet paper I am using. 

Frank was able to come to my doctor’s appointment and he asked if I could go early.  Doctor’s response: most likely not since Mary Rene was born only four days before her due date.  Usually your second pregnancy is a reflection of your first when it comes to birth.  That just depressed the heck out of me and has left me in a funk these last couple days.  I was really banking on having her a couple weeks early.  I know it is best to go 40 weeks but I was really hoping for only 37 weeks. 

Seriously, I’m that tired of being pregnant.  I was starting to think that if I forced myself to stay outside all day in the heat, run a few miles, then maybe I would cause my body to go into labor early.  Yes, I’m feeling that pathetic right now. 

Unless a cold front comes in, I’m ready now.  I’m fine with being a month early.  I’m pretty sure Sweet Pea will be fine too.  I’m just done with all this.  I am not having fun at all anymore.

I want to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy.  I want to refocus all my energy into the excitement of our new arrival.  But it is hard, really hard right now.

Happy NFP Awareness Week!

I never really thought about being a mother growing up.  I dated a guy for 1.5 years and another guy for three years before Frank and never once did I think about being a mother, or a wife, when I was with them.  But the moment I met Frank, I knew he was The One.  And with that came my desire to be a mother.  I guess you can say that is what separates him from my past relationships-he was the full package and put all the desires in my heart that the Lord entailed for me.  A pure and true sign that he was my soul mate.

When we started to get serious in our relationship and the topic of marriage and family came up, I would tell Frank that I wanted five children.  Like I said, the Lord put the desire in my heart to be a mother.  Frank was the polar opposite of me and was thinking one or two.  But I had dreams of a big family with lots of little ones running around.  I don’t know why I wanted a big family but it was something I dreamed about as our relationship progressed.

While engaged we took the Natural Family Planning (NFP) classes and talked about waiting a little bit to start a family but never really put a timeline on it.  The night before our wedding, I had fertility signs.  By this time, I had been tracking my fertility signs for four months and I knew the approximate number of fertility days I had until I would ovulate.  I timed it out in my head and we would be on our honeymoon.  I remember talking to Frank on the phone and telling him I was fertile.  With NFP if you don’t want to achieve pregnancy you avoid intercourse during your fertile days.  Well, that was not an option because we were looking forward to our wedding night for quite some time now and we weren’t about to wait any longer.  So we decided to use the fertile days and see what God had in store for us.

We didn’t get pregnant so we took that as a sign that God was not ready for us to be parents.  After talking to my nurse I realized that the allergy and motion sickness medicines I was taking during the trip could have ‘dried’ me out enough to not allow a pregnancy.  After hearing that, I never took those allergy pills again.  The thought of becoming pregnant but being too dry to hold a pregnancy just made me sick.

So for the next year, we diligently followed my fertility signs, avoided when we thought necessary and ’practicing’ when we wanted.  And to do that, it takes a lot of strength and will power.  All the stars can be in perfect alignment and the desire can be so great in your heart, but it is something you just know you can’t do.  NFP really brings you closer to your spouse because you have really raw and open conversations about your sexuality.  Sex isn’t just sex anymore but it becomes about life.  New life that is.  You know that the simple act of love can create life.  Sure you know that with using contraceptives as well, but when you practice NFP and know you are fertile, you really know that that very one action of love can result in a child nine months later.  It is why we call it making love and not sex.

When Frank quit his job, one month before our one year anniversary, we knew we had to wait a little longer to start a family.  But the desire to become a mother was growing so much stronger in my heart everyday.  I easily could have lied to Frank and charted wrong and used a fertile day and “oops” get pregnant.  But my desire was never strong enough to lie to my husband.  

Five and a half months later he found a job and that night, I told him it was time to change the way we looked at my chart.  I remember watching that chart for the next two weeks and anticipating my fertile days.  And when they arrived, the week of Frank’s birthday, we had a fun week planned.  I always tease Frank about how he stretches his birthday out for days by planning day after day of activities.  Well that year, he had a good weeks worth of activities.  I think he can thank my fertility for that.

And so, Mary Rene was conceived.  And our love grew deeper and stronger for each other, and for her, each passing day.

With breastfeeding, I didn’t have to worry about charting anymore.  Sure some women get their fertility back quicker when they nurse but I happen to be an exception to the rule.  I was only working twice a week so my lack of pumping encouraged more milk production.  I didn’t start Mary Rene on solids until she was seven months and even then she barely ate what I offered.  By her first birthday, 75% of her intake was still milk.  She dabbled with food here and there but she was a milk girl.  And I was completely fine with that.

But after spending a weekend pumping on my sister’s bachelorette party and the following week going on a business trip, my supply started to change.  And so did Mary Rene’s eating habits.  Within a few weeks I started to get hints that I would be starting my cycle again.  It wasn’t until the week of my sister’s wedding in October that I had a very unusual and light period.  I still thought it was a fluke because it was so abnormal, short and just not what I expected.  Frank knew but we really didn’t discuss charting.

Then November came around and after the five days with my friend ‘Flow,’ I thought there was a chance it was back for good.  We should have started charting right then and there but we didn’t.  And two weeks later, Sweet Pea was conceived.

I guess God knew we shouldn’t be charting.  He had bigger plans for us and we are so thankful for the stars all being in perfect alignment.  He set the stage for us and we accepted our roles and welcome the standing ovation-a baby nine months later.  I’ve thought about this all so many times and what wouldn’t have been if we would have charted.  And I’m thankful for “not being responsible.”  So I have my diligence with NFP to thank for Mary Rene and I have my lack of diligence with NFP to thank for Sweet Pea.  NFP-I owe you for giving me the two sweetest gifts in the world.

Weight:  (no scale in Piedmont!)

Baby Developments: Sweet Pea is approximately 5 pounds and 18 inches long.  She is starting to run out of room and is quickly filling up my uterus.  Movements aren’t as jagged anymore but softer.  Her kidneys and liver are fully developed now.

Pregnancy Signs:   Hot, hot, hot.  This summer is very hot.  The hottest I can recall.  95 plus degrees a few days this week make for one hot and sweaty pregnant woman.  Oh I smell so bad.

Concerns/Thoughts: Decided to not use the co-sleeper and instead we will be converting the crib into a side rail bed.  Which means, from day one, Sweet Pea will be in a crib.  Although it will be attached to our bed but it will be the crib.  Plan right now is to stay in the room until she is approximately four months and then move our bed out…for good.  (So we say.)

Four weeks ago, it didn’t even cross my mind.  Three weeks ago, it vaguely crossed my mind.  But last week it quickly became a reality.  We are a minivan family.

After the uncomfortable car ride leaving the fire department on July 5th, Frank and I started talking about upgrading our family vehicle.  Sure the kiddos were save in the back of the Jeep but the driver, primarily me, was not safe.  It clearly was a safety hazard for me to be driving that close to the steering wheel.  I didn’t feel comfortable knowing that my air bag most likely couldn’t protect me in a wreck.

My Jeep was paid off two years ago and we still had a loan on Frank’s car.  It made sense to trade his car in and buy a larger vehicle.  But the Kelly Blue Book price for his car wasn’t as promising as my Jeep.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t trade in my Jeep for a larger vehicle because we would have two loans.  So I did the next best thing and decided to sell my Jeep to a private party.

Last Tuesday, on a whim, I posted my Jeep on craigslist.  (If you’ve never used craigslist, you must give it a try!  We love craigslistand have gotten so many good deals.  My mom just bought a crib with mattress for $40, barely ever used.) Our friends, Emily and Christopher, had just sold their own vehicle that way and said we should give it a shot.  Kelly Blue Book actually gave a higher retail price for selling to a private person then a dealership so it looked like we could come out ahead.

So the ad was placed and the next day I received the first call.  A very nice gentleman was eager to look at my Jeep but Frank was putting Mary Rene to bed and I knew it would be a long night.  So the following day, the gentleman and his wife came by and took the Jeep for a test drive.  I explained everything about the Jeep and why we were selling it.  I honestly have never had any mechanicalproblems with my Jeep, only a cracked windshield and a minor scratch on the side.  The Jeep has been good to me since the day I bought it nearly five years ago.  I never had any problems with it and told them how much I loved my Jeep.  I guess they saw my sincerity and realized I wasn’t trying to sell a lemon.  And well, the protruding belly also helped when I mentioned we needed to upgrade.  They said they would like to discuss it and would get back with me.

I went back in the house and told my mom what happened.  She looked out the window and said they were still sitting outside.  And soon there was a knock on the door.  And with the knock came an offer.  And with the offer came an acceptance.  And with the acceptance came a deposit.

And with that, my Jeep was nearly sold.  I quickly called Frank and told him the unbelievablenews!  I really didn’t think I would sell my Jeep that quick.  But I was honest with the people and sold it for an honest price, no high mark up, so they got a great deal.

The best part is we sold it for much more than we own on Frank’s loan so we have extra, much needed money.   Which will be nice since I will be out of work for a couple months taking care of a baby.  And when you are part-time you don’t get any benefits like short-term disability or maternity leave pay so…yeah, we need the money!  God had a great plan for us and we didn’t even know it.

That night we went to look at minivans.  Since Frank was going out of town it was our only free night to look before my Jeep would be officially sold, as of Monday.  We got to the first dealership at 5:57 p.m. and were told by the salesperson that all dealerships close at 6 .m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  He briefly showed us a Dodge Caravan, very nice, with a good price, but we couldn’t go for a test drive.

We left the dealership and I was planning on driving home since ‘all dealerships closed at 6.’  Frank asked if I would drive across the street to look at the minivan we saw online.  And would ya know it, they stay open until 8 p.m.

And would you know it, we ended up buying a minivan that night.

And would you know it, Mary Rene loves “mommy’s new car.”

She loves all the extra room and was having fun playing in the van.   That was until the two carseats were installed and she realized it wasn’t a toy anymore.

We are loving our minivan, minus the fact that a cable wasn’t connected to the battery and I had to get a jump, which lead to me taking it back to the dealership for a new battery.  Yes, besides that, we love our minivan.  So spacious and sporty. 

I felt like a mom when I was pregnant with Mary Rene.  I really felt like a mom when I held her for the first time.  But driving a minivan adds a new dynamic to this “mom” title.  Now I feel like even more of a mom then before.  Strange, but a minivan will do that to you. 

Happy travels.

She’s hiding in there somewhere!

Weight: 155

Baby Developments:  Sweet Pea is approximately 4 3/4 pounds and nearly 18 inches long.  Her fat layers are filling out, which will help regulate her body temperature when she is born.  Her lungs are continuing to grown and mature, along with the rest of her precious body.

Pregnancy Signs: Friday night, once Mary Rene was in bed, I started to get major back pains.  It hurt so bad that I didn’t want to get off the couch and walk.  I guess the day was just wearing on me because Frank is out of town so I’m holding up the fort alone.  But back pains were good because it forced me to sit on the couch and read a magazine and…relax!  A word not easily found in my personal dictionary.  Saturday, when Mary Rene went to bed, (which took two hours!) I was beyond the “just relax on the couch” stage and ended up soaking in a bath of bubbles.  Oh I needed that. 

Concerns/Thoughts: I opened up all the packages of newborn diapers and put them in the second diaper bag to be ready for Sweet Pea.  Mary Rene’s cloth diapers were sitting near by and I compared the two sizes and was in absolute shock.  These two are going to be such different sizes it snapped me into reality…I am having a baby.  Not a toddler, but a precious tiny little baby.  Oh, sweet baby.  Can’t wait to meet her.

Speaking of diapers, my sweet mom made a very sweet diaper cake for our little Sweet Pea.  So much talent.  Thanks mom!

On Thursday I had my 8th prenatal appointment, and I’m realizing now I never wrote about my 7th!  Maybe that is because when you have such an exciting (hint of sarcasm) pregnancy like mine there is nothing to write about.  And well, there isn’t much to report on the 8th visit either.  Sweet Pea is still growing at a good rate, head still down and had a great heart rate. 

I’ve found a little shimmer of silver lining regarding my cough, which is going on four weeks.  I was talking to my doctor and asked if it bothers the baby.  He confirmed that it doesn’t but asked if I noticed her sleep cycle changing.  I hadn’t thought about it until then but, yes, it has changed.  Now that I am coughing throughout the day, Sweet Pea is moving a lot more.  When I sleep, I don’t cough, and well, she has been sleeping too.  Which means

(a) I am only waking up to go to the bathroom and not because Sweet Pea is practicing her kickboxing moves, and

(b) she is sleeping when I am sleeping which means…she might keep up this cycle when she is born.

We could only hope, right?  I remember those first couple weeks where Mary Rene was like a cat and wanted to play from 2 until 6 a.m.  We were some tired new parents. 

So, forget getting rid of this horrible cough for now.  Keep Sweet Pea sleeping at night!

Somehow, I got the second wall completed.  Although I still need to apply the second coat.  The plan was to paint circles on this wall.  I really thought it would be very difficult but it turned out being easier then I thought.

Before

My problem was drawing a perfect circle but I looked on the floor and found the perfect circle to use.

So I plucked out the pink circle and drew them all over the wall.

I realized there were two different shades of pink on the floor mat so I decided to do a different shade of pink then the stripes. 

And the wall is complete, except for that second coat of paint.

I love it.  And so does Miss Mary Rene.  She keeps pointing at her wall, touching it and saying, “circles, circles.”

Too lazy to take a picture!

Weight: 154

Baby Developments: Sweet Pea weighs approximately 4 pounds and nearly 17 inches.  Baby just keeps on growing and getting all fatted up for birth.

Pregnancy Signs:  I’ve had this terrible cough for three weeks now and let’s just say, being pregnant and coughing is no good on the bladder.  Plus, I’m sure it must feel like an earthquake to my poor little Sweet Pea.

Thoughts: With all the trouble we’ve had lately putting Mary Rene to sleep, I’m praying a lot that Sweet Pea is a sweeter sleeper.

As if the growing belly didn’t already point to the obvious, reality is setting in that we will have another member in our family soon.  This weekend, my Jeep went from this

to this…

wooh.  We went ahead and installed the car seat now because the local firefighter who is certified to install car seats  is heading out of town for two weeks.  Then we would be heading out of town and that takes us to August.  Since Frank was off we did it and now…

we realize how much bigger this family is getting. 

My five passenger Jeep is now a four passenger Jeep thanks to two huge car seats.  Which means (a) no more car rides for Sophie (b) my mom has to ride to church separate on Sundays and (c) less grocery bag room.

The infant seat takes up so much space that the driver’s seat is sitting really close  to the steering wheel.  Thankfully Frank and I are short.  It will definitely be uncomfortable for the long drives to Piedmont but manageable.

The limited space not only smacked reality in our face that we are having another kiddo soon but it also made us start discussing a bigger vehicle.  Will we become a van family?  I actually learned to drive an automatic on a minivan so I have experience but will it really happen someday?

The only way to make more room in the Jeep is to move Mary Rene behind the driver’s seat and switch her to forward facing.  That will make the passenger side tighter but really, the driver needs more space.  But this solution has two issues from the firefighter’s point of view (a) Mary Rene is safer rear facing until she is 30 pounds (she is 24 pounds now) and (b) the infant should be behind the driver.  So I’m feeling a little torn.

Deal with the tightness in our current Jeep or upgrade?

We did not realize that adding a car seat would cause so much heartache.  Good thing we got the seat installed two months before my due date so we have time to think!

On a lighter note, I was driving Mary Rene to grandma’s yesterday and I looked in my rear view mirror to see her through the mirror in front of her seat.  When I was done glancing at her I then glanced at the other seat.  Oh, two little precious ones to gaze at while I am driving.  I can’t wait.

I realized this weekend it is easier to carry two kiddos when you redistribute the weight!

Weight: 153 (scale must be wrong because it shows that I lost a pound.)

Baby Development:  Sweet Pea is approximately 3.75 pounds and approximately 16.7 inches long.  Here on out, Sweet Pea should be gaining a third to half of her birth weight during these last weeks.  Which means, I should be gaining a pound a week. 

Pregnancy Signs: Heat sucks.

Thoughts:  Sweet Pea makes me drink a soda a day, something I didn’t do before pregnancy.  I’ve always been a water girl but I guess you can say this pregnancy I’m craving soda.  Such a bad habit.  I hope it dies when she arrives.