The Third Prayer

I originally started writing this in the Mary’s World update for tomorrow.  But as I was writing I realized I had too much to say and frankly, this deserves its own post. 

A huge, huge, development took place this week and came out of nowhere and was so unexpected.  And I’m still kind of shocked by it.  Last Monday, when I picked Mary Rene up from my parent’s house, after I had been at work all day, she wanted to nurse.  She hadn’t asked to randomly nurse like that in awhile and well, I was feeling pretty good so I let her.  She nursed for a good 20 minutes or so, playing with her feet like she always did.  The girl has a foot fetish I swear.  There was no pain, not even for the initial latch on like I have had the last few months, not even for a second and I really soaked in that nursing session.  I was playing with her hair as her eyes drifted open and close.  I kept watching her feet and decided to take a picture to show Frank what she does when she nurses.

Little did I know that I captured our last nursing session.  The next day since I worked we wouldn’t be nurse napping but we would nurse at night.  But with the new bedroom situation I still hadn’t figured out how to nurse her in the rocking chair.  Mary Rene didn’t seem to mind missing the session but still wanted me to lift up my bra so she could be close to my bare breast.  Wednesday came around and when it was time for her nap she didn’t ask for her ‘mil’ like usual.  I figured she wasn’t tired yet so I decided to wait a bit longer.  But she got crabby quick and it was easy to tell she was ready to nap.  I put her in my lap but she didn’t want to nurse.  Instead she wanted to be close to my bare breast again.  Within minutes she was asleep on my chest.  I figured her teeth were still hurting (damn teething!) and it was a nursing strike.  I didn’t have to worry about pumping like I did during her last nursing strike so I didn’t stress out about it.  Thursday came around, then Friday, then Saturday, then Sunday, and today makes one week since the last time she nursed.

And I realize now that it isn’t a strike but a complete cold turkey wean.  Although I think the teething initiated it and once her teeth felt better she realized there wasn’t anything to come back to.  So she didn’t.

Needless to say, we’ve closed a chapter in our relationship.  It was a good 21 months and I treasured nursing her and providing all that she needed during that time.  In the beginning it was her nourishment and only source of food.  As she grew older, it was still her food but also her comfort.  And eventually, it was no longer food but only comfort.  Our nursing relationship has changed so much over these last 21 months but the one thing that always remained the same was the incredible bond.

I will admit that I am sad that it has come to an end.  Nursing really connected us and I felt the release of the happy drug nearly every time.  Nursing filled me with mommy love like nothing else ever has.  Nursing was the one thing that only we shared.  Nobody else could give her what I could and I loved that.  It was our special bond and a part of me feels like I’ve lost that special bond.  I know I am still her one and only mommy and I can only give her what she needs, from me, but it is still hard losing that special bond.  Nursing set me apart from daddy, from grandma, from grandpa.  It was just for us.

I’ve had so many people, who have never nursed before, who were in shock that I was still nursing.  Actually some moms who have nursed are too, and maybe some of you as well.  But the hardest thing is, people who have never nursed who have said, ‘well don’t you want her to quit before the baby gets here?’  Which clearly implies that milk is just for babies.  But honestly I never felt that way.  Sweet Pea is no better than Mary Rene and just because she will be the new baby doesn’t mean she deserved all the good stuff.  There is a reason there are two breast.  Moms of multiples can feed two or three kids and it is acceptable.  So what’s the difference?

A person who has never nursed cannot understand the sadness that comes with weaning.  It doesn’t compare to no more bottles or no more diapers.  There is much more to nursing then milk.  I don’t want to hear, “oh it will be so much easier now when the baby gets here” or “Mary Rene will be less clingy” or “Mary Rene wants to be a big girl.”  They just don’t get it.  There are so many layers to nursing that it is hard to put into words. 

Before Mary Rene was born, my goal was to nurse for a year.  A few months after her birth, my goal was two years.  And eventually I decided I would let her self wean.  So ultimately, I reached my goal but it still comes with sadness.  A chapter has closed and a new one will open.  We’ve been doing a lot of cuddling this past week and Mary Rene seems fine with the extra cuddling time.  And well, I need that cuddle time too.

I really didn’t think I would take weaning so hard.  Sunday when I was getting ready for Mass, I went to put my bra on and as I slipped it through my arm I noticed that the bra cover was unhooked.  I got pissed, sounds silly I know, but it was a reminder that I was still wearing nursing bras.  And well, there was no use for them anymore.  So later that night, I went downstairs and started looking for my non-nursing bras.  After about two minutes I reminded myself that I threw them all away a couple months ago because I figured, ‘what’s the point of keeping those bras around?’  I haven’t worn a normal bra in nearly two years and I figured it would probably be another two years so for four years those bras would just be taking up space.  Luckily I remembered I kept one non nursing bra, found it, washed it, and well, I’m going to start wearing it these next few weeks.  (Don’t worry.  I won’t wear it everyday!) Update: I tried the bra on and it doesn’t fit!  It was a pre-Mary Rene pregnancy bra and oh how nursing has changed me!

But the nursing sadness isn’t all about me.  I’m torn up for her too!  Poor girl put up with my lack-there-of-milk-supply for the last eight months and was only two months shy of getting the good stuff again.  I was really looking forward to her getting the awesomeness of good ol’ baby milk again.  Oh the yummy stuff filled with all the goodness that a baby could ask for.  I wanted to see what the reaction on her face was going to be the first time she tasted that milk again.  That milk that she hadn’t tasted in so, so long.  She was only two months away.  Such sadness.

God our Father, your Son Jesus spoke to us a message of peace and taught us to live as brothers and sister.

His message took form in the vision of our Founding Fathers, as they fashioned a nation where all people might live as one.

This message lives on in our midst as a task for us today and a promise for tomorrow.

We thank you, Father, for your blessings in the past, and for all that, with your help, we must yet achieve.

Bless our nation and bless each of us.  As we celebrate our independence, may we extend its blessings to our youngest brothers and sisters, the children in the womb.

Hasten the day when our nation will be a nation with liberty and justice, not just for some, but for all, through Christ our Lord.

Happy 4th of July to you and your family!

I realized this weekend it is easier to carry two kiddos when you redistribute the weight!

Weight: 153 (scale must be wrong because it shows that I lost a pound.)

Baby Development:  Sweet Pea is approximately 3.75 pounds and approximately 16.7 inches long.  Here on out, Sweet Pea should be gaining a third to half of her birth weight during these last weeks.  Which means, I should be gaining a pound a week. 

Pregnancy Signs: Heat sucks.

Thoughts:  Sweet Pea makes me drink a soda a day, something I didn’t do before pregnancy.  I’ve always been a water girl but I guess you can say this pregnancy I’m craving soda.  Such a bad habit.  I hope it dies when she arrives.

I realized the last few weeks I haven’t had time to write anything really thought provoking on my blog.  Well, really I haven’t had the energy.  I never got around to writing a Mother’s Day post for my mom or a Father’s Day post for Frank and my dad.  I’m just zapped.  Nesting can really take a toll on ya.  I do have about five or six ‘deep’ post I have been working on but they require too much thought and well, I don’t have time for thought.

But today was one of those days that made me realize I need to sit down more, give myself a break so I can see, smell, enjoy the roses…and write about them. 

Frank was off work and the plan was for him to do yard work in the morning while Mary Rene and I played.  I was watching her play with the neighbor’s dog and I thought, ‘damn she looks so cute.’  So I grabbed the camera and started snapping pictures.  Sometimes I look at her in a different light and I see such beauty that all I can do is preserve that moment of innocent with my camera (oh what I would do for a better camera!) 

And well, what I would do to be a better photographer!

After taking several pictures I turned to talk to Frank and noticed he was pulling something out of the shed.  I yelled over, ‘hey just go ahead and take everything out of the shed and we’ll clean it out.’  The shed had not been cleaned out since I bought this house seven years ago.  Seven years of dirt and cobwebs.  Among other things.  It was a mess and we both knew it was time for a clean-up. 

So Frank kept pulling things out one after another.  Mary Rene became really intrigued and wanted to help.  She climbed in and out of the shed, over and over again, while Frank moved out everything from within.  But like I said, it was a mess and she quickly got herself dirty.

She saw the bikes, which haven’t been used since before my pregnancy with her, and I asked Frank to ride one of them up and down the street for her.  Instead, he let her ride her first bike.  Even better.

Frank found fireworks from last year and decided to shot off one of the small streamer bottles.  Mary Rene liked that too.

I found an American flag and Mary Rene proudly waved it around.

And finally the shed was empty and Mary Rene saw a dance floor.  And dance we did.

We swept out the shed, took down the cobwebs and one by one it was reorganized and clean…for the first time in seven years.

Frank moved on to yard work and I decided to clean out Mary Rene’s pool.  Since she was already dirty I didn’t bother putting her in a swimsuit.  Once I was done cleaning out the pool with soap and water (a few thunderstorms had made it very dirty) we were ready to add fresh water.  And of course, she helped.

She was a mess, a real mess, and I might have ruined a good outfit.  (good thing we just got all those free clothes!)  But I realized there aren’t many moments like this. When you look through the eyes of a child, work becomes play.  While working together, Frank and I accomplished a huge task and got the shed clean.

Oh, if only you would have seen the before picture

And Mary Rene, had a great time ‘playing’ with her mommy and daddy. 

I realize more and more I can’t live my life focusing on a clean house (which it never is) or constantly having clean clothes and a clean face for my child.  Dirt can be washed away so easily but the memories can’t.  If I live my life worrying about the work that lies ahead (scrubbing the dirt stains out of her pink skirt) then I’ll miss the moments that are right in front of me.  We wouldn’t have danced in the shed because I would have been worried about the dirt.  She wouldn’t have gone for her first bike ride with Frank because I would have been worried about the grease chain…which did get on her leg. 

I’m so glad that I still catch these small glimpses of what life is really about so I can soak it all in.

By 10 a.m. our work outside was done.  We had a clean shed and one dirty yet happy baby.  A victory for all.

While we were in Piedmont, Frank moved our bed into our new room…Mary Rene’s old room which frankly, never was a room for her since she always slept with us.

(Nicole B-can you believe we are both living in that small room?  How did you do it when you were my roomie?)

Interestedly enough, the “Guess How Much I Love You” quote that was painted on the wall for Mary Rene is even more fitting now that it is our room.  I love me some Frank.

With our bed out of the room, we had to change up our bedtime routine a bit because know I don’t have a bed to nurse her on.  Frank did bring up the nursing chair, which I know I will be needing for Sweet Pea, so I sat down with Mary Rene there instead.  We cuddled for awhile and she asked for her “mil” (milk) but I was having a hard time getting her positioned right.  Oh how much your body changes with pregnancy.  By the time I got her positioned she didn’t want to nurse anymore.  Instead she wanted to stare at my breast.  I let that go on for a few minutes then covered up, gave her a hug and placed her in the crib.  Next Frank came in with Donna, did his thing and left.  And to our surprise, she went to sleep like before.  So the new room didn’t throw her off too much.  And not nursing was acceptable as well.  To surprise us even more, she slept the whole night in her crib!  A few times Frank heard her whine but she never cried hard enough for him to get up and grab her.  So for the first time in nearly two years, Frank and I had a room to ourselves.  Wow!

But back to the new room. 

On Sunday, after a few days away in Piedmont with my parents, Mary Rene came home to see her “new room.”  Now that our bed was out, there was room for her toddler bed and play area.  And oh was she excited to see her play area.

Her eyes got really wide and as she pointed at the ground and kept saying, “wow” and “oh.”  It was so cute.

I am absolutely falling in love with the new nursery for my two sweet girls.  I know they will be loving it as well.

on the wall.  Who is the prettiest Mary Rene of all?

 Compliments of my sister via Salvation Army.

Wednesday morning, Mary Rene, my mom and I left for Piedmont, Missouri for a few, much needed days of relaxing.  And much needed it was!  Five days with minimal internet access meant I was only able to do work emails for one hour a day.  Being unglued from my laptop was heaven in a bottle.  I wish I could capture it more often. 

I relaxed by spending every evening, after Mary Rene went to bed, crocheting with my mom.  Mary Rene has a lovie that is entirely too big and too white (when you have a black dog) and she carries it everywhere she goes.

Case in point, she carried it in the bathroom with her this morning while I was in the shower.

So I made her a new lovie, much smaller and her favorite color.

Unfortunately I made it too small and she can’t drag it and won’t welcome it as her new lovie yet.  I’m guessing I’ll have to make her another lovie, a bit longer though.

Mary Rene spent her time in Piedmont relaxing by…

playing Chinese checkers

chillin’ on the couch looking at old photos of herself and

going to Clearwater Lake.  For the most part, we had the beach to ourselves.  Mary Rene really liked having all the room she needed to play and splash.

It was a hot day but you couldn’t tell while wading in the water.  I could have spent the entire day at the beach!  I’m so glad Mary Rene is a water beach bum like me!

Oh how she makes my heart flutter too.

But being at the beach all day can wear a girl out.

Everyday while Mary Rene napped, I headed into town to use the free WiFi at McDonald’s so I could get some work email done.  Well, I guess the WiFi isn’t free when you buy a ice cream treat each time!

My dad came down to Piedmont on Friday to spend the rest of the weekend with us.  He decided to make homemade ice cream for us all, yummy. 

Unfortunately the process of making ice cream was much more difficult then we imagined.

Since we didn’t have crushed ice, my dad had to crush it by hand.  Mary Rene grabbed the broom and cleaned up the mess for him.

And then the ice cream making began.

Mary Rene was ready for her sample of the ice cream once papa put the bowl in front of her.

Like I said, yummy.

Frank’s mom has been successful at getting Mary Rene to drink milk by letting her dunk graham crackers in a bowl of milk.  We gave it a try in Piedmont and Mary Rene was in milk heaven.

Love this picture!  Turns out that my dad used to do the same thing when he was a little kid and even still did it when he first got married.  (My mom actually remembers buying graham crackers every week for him!)  He used to do it at his grandma’s house too which makes the story even cuter.

Saturday we decided to try out the river instead of Clearwater Lake.

There were fish, tadpoles and craw fish everywhere and papa was able to catch one for Mary Rene.

Mary Rene wasn’t impressed with the river so we ended up hitting the beach again.  Fine by me!

It was a fun few days but Mary Rene and I were starting to miss her daddy so Sunday we packed up and headed back home.  For the ride home, we decided to hook up the DVD player so Mary Rene could watch Holy Baby.  She loved it and was completely captivated.

But the fun filled weekend caught up with Mary Rene and within an hour or so of being home, she got cranky.  She decided that she didn’t want to eat, even when Frank grilled her a hot dog!  She just wanted to cuddle with mommy so we did.  I noticed she was really warm so I took a fever wipe and wiped down her body.

Mary Rene went to bed with no problem but was awake within two hours, screaming.  She was very, very warm and ended up having a slight fever.  Again it was a teething fever reaction because she was biting like crazy on a teething ring.  We gave her some medicine to ease the pain and Frank and I brought her into our bed and we both rubbed her back, face and hair until she settled down and went back to sleep.  Poor girl.

Monday morning she was still sluggish and her teeth were still bothering her.  So far, she has all her top teeth except the second year molars.  She is still missing three bottom teeth, two of them being the second year molars.  I can’t tell which tooth/teeth are causing her such heartache these last couple weeks but I wish they would just cut through already.  I hate to see my baby in such pain. 

Hopefully she is still feeling better tonight so we can make swimming lessons.

Weight: 154

Baby Developments: Sweet Pea is approximately 16 inches long and weights approximately 3.3 pounds!  She can turn her head from side to side and her body is beginning to get fat under the skin.

Pregnancy Signs: Never sleeping is a pretty darn good sign.  I wish Sweet Pea would learn to levitate inside of me, for just one night, so I can sleep on my bad with no fear of crushing my organs.  Just one night is all I am asking for…right now.

Thoughts: Single digits!

One wall done; two more to go.

I decided to start with the striped wall because it would be the easiest.

Before

Step One:With the help of a level, I drew straight lines up and down the wall.  I did a four inch stripe, then two six inch stripes, and then went back to four to repeat the pattern.

Step Two: Asked Mary Rene to hand me the tape.

Step Three: Taped wall

Step Four: Paint wall

Step Five: Remove tape

Job Done!

oh I love it!  It looks so yummy.  And from far away, it looks perfect.  Get close and you can see some imperfections that I might fix someday.  But oh I love this wall.

What a week.  And such a week that there was barely any opportunities to take pictures. 

Tuesday started off with a call from my mother-in-law that Mary Rene had a 101 temperature!  I rushed home from work, ran to the store to get her medicine (ours had expired) and quickly went to get her.  She was acting normal but sure enough she was very hot.  As I gave her the medicine Joanne mentioned that she wouldn’t eat lunch or take a nap.  I got her home and by the time we were settled her temperature was down to 99.  By the end of the day it was back to normal.  She was acting really sluggish and when dinner came around she barely ate and refused to be in her high chair.  When it came time for bed she didn’t want to nurse so I played with her hair and she fell asleep within minutes.  All the signs pointed to teething.  I think it is her second year molars that are coming in.  Something you learn as a mother is teething has very strange symptoms and sometimes none at all.  For Mary Rene, the fever was the onset of the teething, refusing to eat was a sign that her mouth was hurting, not sitting in her high chair was because her butt hurt (somehow the butt is connected to teething) and not wanting to nurse was because her mouth hurt. 

By Wednesday she was eating again, no temperature and she was ready to nurse first thing in the morning.  Unfortunately she remembered that nursing feels “oh so good” when she is teething and wanted to nurse a lot.  I only let her nurse three times and that was hard enough for me.

Thursday afternoon we headed to the pool and on Friday we swam at my parent’s house. 

Saturday we planned to spend the whole day in Grafton, Illinois to celebrate Father’s Day.  Frank had selected four or five different places he wanted to visit while we were there and that was his Father’s Day present.  (I originally planned for us to play golf in the morning but he thought it was too hot for me…thankfully!)  After visiting our friends Jim & Nicole C. at their garage sale we headed out to Grafton.  It was a 40 minute drive and Mary Rene slept for 30 minutes of it.  When we arrived at The Loading Dock, Mary Rene woke up…perfect timing.  But when she woke up she had a little cough.  We didn’t think much of it at the time though.

The Loading Dock was really nice because they had shaded areas for you to sit and eat outside next to the river.

We had a good view of the muddy Mississippi. 

While we were waiting for lunch, Frank and Mary Rene took the opportunity to goof off.

We seem to find cutouts everywhere we go and we have to get a picture!

After the loading dock we headed to the Brewhaus.  But the Brewhaus seemed to be filled with a bunch of uppies that turned their noses at the sight of a kid.  So we left and headed to the winery up the street.  We got the same feeling at this place as well.  By this point Mary Rene was getting tired of getting in and out of the car and it was quite obvious that our day in Grafton was over.

We decided to head back home and hit the pool.  We got to the pool around 4:20 p.m. and it was completely packed.  We played in the kiddie pool for a bit and then decided to hit the lazy river.  We were only in the lazy river for about three or four minutes when strong winds came through which were actually blowing branches into the water!  People panicked and started jumping out of the lazy river.  For a brief moment there it was scary in the water with everyone jumping out and over the ledge.  I was worried we would get tipped so I asked Frank if we could stay in a few more seconds.  Once it had cleared out, and we were floating by a bridge, he got out of the lazy river and then lifted Mary Rene out and then me.  (Daddy-our hero!)  We went and took cover under the concrete building along with many other swimmers.  Mary Rene didn’t know what was going on and held on tight to me.  I sat on the ground, covered her in towels and calmly fed her yogurt.  I thought it would be best to act like nothing was going on so she wouldn’t freak out. 

Along with the strong winds came the rain and nearly everyone left the pool and went home.  We decided to be safe and stay where we were since we were protected in the concrete building.  By 5:10 p.m. the wind had stopped and the sky was completely clear again.  And…they reopened the pool.  By this time nearly everyone had left so we pretty much had the pool to ourselves.  We ended up staying for another 45 minutes before heading home.

By the time we got home, Mary Rene was ready for bed.  We fed her a quick dinner, gave her a bath and she was in bed by 7:30 p.m.  Frank’s mom came over to “watch her sleep” while we went out for a nice dinner at Tony’s on Main Street (yummy!)

Sunday morning we were woken up by a violent coughing spell from Mary Rene.  Apparently that minor cough from the day before turned into a worse cough.  Ugh.  If we would have thought more about the cough then we wouldn’t have spent the day running around everywhere and going to the pool.  Not so great parenting skills on our part!

I called the children’s exchange and talked to a nurse about her symptoms.  After a long discussion, the nurse concluded that she had a viral infection and all we could do was “home remedies” to help fight it.  She said it could last up to two weeks!  Oh that sounds painfully long.  We decided to leave Mary Rene home for the day which meant we had to cancel our plans with our dads.  We spent the day inside, playing and resting. 

After her nap, she decided to love on her daddy.  I guess she knew it was Father’s Day after all.

By this time, she had a runny nose with her cough, which was a good sign.  This meant that the mucus was coming out and she would start healing soon.  By this morning, Tuesday, she still had a cough but was acting like her old self again.

I find it rather interesting that her first year of life she never got sick.  But once I get pregnant, my milk supply decreases (if there is any at all) and now she gets sick (second time she has been sick since I’ve been pregnant.)  Pretty darn good proof of how good breast milk really is!

In other news, Mary Rene is a jibber jabbering little girl.  Her new thing to say is, “NO WAY” when she doesn’t want something.  Apparently no is not good enough.  It is so darn cute but I try not to smile so she doesn’t know it is cute. 

She is also starting to say short phrases and carry on conversations.  Gosh she is getting so big on us.